Hall of Kings

2 black purple

King Emily The Kosher

I hearby decree that Gustavo's Beard shall henceforth be known as the third-best beard in all lands far and wide.

I hearby decree the names of all naysayers shall be inscribed upon the List of Jericho and remain there for eternity.

I hearby decree that December 30 shall forever be known as Pre New Years and will be celebrated in the presence of Stephanie the Mermaid.

9:33 am CST
December 29, 2016
7 black blue

King Gonad The Sweaty

All subjects are hereby ordered to be naked whilst gathering truffles.

The national pastime of the kingdom shall be Oculolinctus with a llama, and overrides all other national pastime decrees.

The three largest males in the kingdom shall battle to the death while wearing Little Bo Peep outfits. The winner gets a tiki cocktail.

9:30 am CST
December 29, 2016
4 black blue

Queen ToviannaLeelyn The Good

All dogs shall sleep in the bed of their choosing, either in bed with their human or in their own king sized bed.

A scream for ice cream will be mandatory at 9:25am with ice cream sundays being served by the gallon.

The jaws theme song, from the best movie ever, is now the national anthem.

9:24 am CST
December 29, 2016
8 white orange

King Ted The Goat Fucker

All hot chicks must be naked.

All hot chicks must sleep with the king.

All hot chicks must make the king a sandwich.

9:03 am CST
December 29, 2016
8 white purple

King Chris The Irritable

Chug a bottle of fireball whiskey

Sit on the floor of a public toilet stall located in a seedy bar

Give the shirt off your back to your oldest friend so that they may wipe the vomit off their face

8:33 am CST
December 29, 2016
1 black purple

Queen Angela The Passive-Aggressive

I — the royal we, you know, the editorial.

The dude abides.

Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling.

8:21 am CST
December 29, 2016
7 black green

King Austin The Buttface

A large pizza should be worn as necklaces on every third Thursday of the year.

The official Sensible Castle dance will the line dance to "Whiskey Drinkin SOB"

Every delivery made to the Sensible Castle must be accompanied with a singagram.

7:27 am CST
December 29, 2016
5 black green

King Benjamin The Chaotic Good

Sensible Castle shall render aid to all in need, render care for all ill, and provide shelter and sustenance to all who lack.

This kingdom will operate based on Original Placement and Veil of Ignorance theories for wealth distribution.

Cards Against Humanity™ is hereby ordered to continue producing Holiday Bullshit™ in perpetuity under penalty of death for non-compliance.

7:18 am CST
December 29, 2016
8 white purple

King Admar The Tired

Warm socks and hard candies for everyone!

As we reach the midpoint of my reign I wish to acknowledge the progress we have made and the work we have still ahead.

So much accomplished, so much left to do. For my third wish I wish for more wishes. What do you mean it doesn't work like that? I want an

7:15 am CST
December 29, 2016
1 black orange

Queen Cat The Chaotic Good

All domestic felines have the inalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of catnip mice and warm laps.

All humans have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, except where it conflicts with the first decree.

Betty White is a national treasure and shall be kept safe from 2016.

7:12 am CST
December 29, 2016
8 black purple

King Julie The Passive-Aggressive

The first Royal decree of book club is thou shall not speak of book club.

The second royal decree of book club is thou shall not speak of book club.

The third and final decree is whosoever pooped last takes the first turn.

6:33 am CST
December 29, 2016
8 black yellow

Duke Nukem The Great

Be kind to babes.

Trans rights are human rights.

Be kind to someone daily.

6:00 am CST
December 29, 2016
8 black blue

King Jennifer The Mediocre

Peace, equality, and nothing ever before noon.


Nobody Dies Anymore.

2:00 am CST
December 29, 2016
4 white blue

Czar Robert The Chaotic Good

Poutine must be served in large quantities. Until Idaho screams "Uncle!" It may only consist of french fries, cheese curds and beef gravy.

All will bow to my honor guard, the three wise muscians, Geddy, Alex and Neil For joyful is their music, their sound sublime!

Everyone must visit their local Humane Society and rescue either one canine or feline to be placed in a good home. Pit bulls need love too!

1:27 am CST
December 29, 2016
5 black green

Rear Admiral Daly The Fungal

All occupants must reside on the roof of the castle.

All must have ale in hand.

All must be merry.

1:06 am CST
December 29, 2016
8 black green

Lord Gabriel The White

Desserts and Bourbon shall be acceptable for breakfast.

Make it known that Lady Christina Deathrage The wise, Has won my Heart and has the sweetest ass of the land.

Anyone using a cellphone while driving shall be sentenced to death by fire ants.

12:45 am CST
December 29, 2016
3 black purple

Empress Karen , Champion of the Frozen Wastes

Potatoes are declared demon touched, and heretical.

There is no Michael Bay version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dissenters (and Michael Bay) will be court-martialed.

The penalty for beating an animal shall be death.

12:39 am CST
December 29, 2016
6 black green

Queen Kat The Passive-Aggressive

Everyone shall receive a puppy-sized elephant, a signed potato, a green sharpie, and a jar of peanut butter in their welcome package.

Everyone should become a Nerdfighter! We fight to Decrease World Suck, and Increase Awesome, by helping out charities and doing good deeds!

If you dislike a food, you are allowed to tell people that you're allergic to it just to stop them from asking why you don't like it.

12:36 am CST
December 29, 2016
3 black blue

Little Jacob Of the Weasel Folk

Weasels are now Nobility and given landowning rights.

There shall be a 75% tax on purchases of Doritos.

Every citizen is required to hang a picture of Huey Lewis on their front door.

12:30 am CST
December 29, 2016
3 black purple

Lord Michael The Shitfaced

I, Lord Michael The Shitfaced, shall be known forevermore as the Best and Greatest of all former and future Kings.

All citizens within Sensible Castle shall celebrate February the 25th as a day of reverence to the Great Lord Michael, long as he may live!

I decree that for the rest of time, any visitors to Sensible Castle shall give tithing to Lord Michael the Shitfaced, by pouring one out

12:24 am CST
December 29, 2016
4 black green

Countess Cramer The Passive-Aggressive

All those in the castle must become llamas or be immediately executed

All castle personnel must follow @swargey_the_rat on twitter

Everyone should be nice and also don't fill up on the bread, dinner will be here soon.

12:18 am CST
December 29, 2016