Castles are cold....and wet!
Everyone will get free hand warmers!
Hot cocoa for all!
Dragons are the sacred animal of Sensible Castle.
Ice cream is an acceptable breakfast.
Damn it's cold.
All official documents must begin with the phrase "Damn, Gina!" and end with the phrase "Y'heard?!"and sealed with a picture of singer Seal.
Jim Varney is hereby canonized into the Roman Catholic Church as Saint Ernest, the patron saint of knowing what one means.
Let it be known that CJ Demato is hereby officially labeled as Donkey-Brained, and I want history to reflect that. Go to hell, dude.
Bernie Sanders is the national hero of Sensible Castle.
The national anthem of Sensible Castle is "Guillotine (Swordz)" by Raekwon/ Wu-Tang Clan.
I hereby decree Marijuana-smoking the national pastime of Sensible Castle.
All visitors to Sensible Castle during my reign must pay tribute of sixty gold pieces, a bag of gummy bears and a bottle of high-end scotch.
I hereby decree that all violators of the decree issued at 10:51 PM CST will be sentenced to death by bludgeoning with a giant foam mallet.
The dungeon shall be filled with plastic balls and shall hereby be known as the rumpus room. Prisoners of the crown shall be kept there.
The noble Order of Veritas, with whom We have journeyed extensively, shall enjoy appointment as the Royal Adventuring Party. Lux et Veritas!
Creating a Restaurant Website without its Address, Hours and Phone Number on the front Page shall be a High Crime punishable by 50 Lashes.
We hereby decree that all Contracts, Bills brought before the Parliament, and other Legal Documents shall be written in Screenplay Format.
Every day shall be Taco Tuesday.
Brunch may be served at any hour of the day.
Drinking at work is acceptable, especially if a bloody mary for breakfast
This land shall thus-forth become the beer drinking capital of the world by becoming a giant beer garden
Sex is now the national pasttime
The beer garden decree cannot be undone ever.
Tina shall be my bride.
All clothing is unlawful.
Josh shall forever be known as "The Man."
Everyone will celebrate the birth of Maharaja Jacob The Man on December 29th for all eternity.
Coconut coffee will be sold at every place that things are sold.
There will never be a time that music does not play for all eternity.
"Reel Spoilers" is the National Podcast of Sensible Castle.
All inhabitants of Sensible Castle shall wear funny hats.
I hereby decree that Episodes I-III of Star Wars are not a part of official canon.
Everyone in immediate proximity with a human named Billy must boop them on the nose.
Praise Raptor Jesus and accept him as your one true Lord and savior.
Find your loosest pair of socks and wear them over your sandals.
Irish whiskey is the only beverage consumed.
Decrees are stupid
There will be no more decrees!
Everyone shall get a Lamborghini and a vacation house anywhere in the world. (Compliments from the King serving after me)
Everyone gets Double Doubles for dinner from In N Out Burger!!!
I request that my subjects follow Geriatric_Giraffe on Instagram and download the new Geriatric Giraffe game from the App Store
Starting at 8:18:18 pm CST all actions occurring in, on, under, or above Sensible Castle grounds must be carbon neutral.
Only USDA Certified Organic and sustainably raised food and prepared products are allowed on Sensible Castle grounds.
All Sensible Castle employees shall enjoy: $20 min wage, 6 hr work day, 8 wk paid vacation, 1 yr paid mat/pat leave, and free health care.
Gay Marriage is now, like, Super Hella Legal. Which is ten times more legal than normal.
Google Chrome is to be the National Web Browser.
I saw a dog earlier. It was old, but it was probably fuzzy and cuddly. I wonder where it is now.
Fig Newtons are legal tender for all debts, public and private
Texting, expelling gas of any kind, or describing that one Malaysian zit-popping YouTube video during a meal is punishable by death.
My three cats are now God. I warn thee; do not anger this trinity of fur and fury, for its vengeance will be terrible (but meme worthy).
The national animal of this kingdom is Cy
The national team of this kingdom is the Philadelphia Eagles
Ollie is a fat rat
Anybody who listens or refers to "Night Moves" by Bob Seger be tarred and feathered, then hung.
Ari Shaffir will be the Sensible Castle Jew jester.
Anyone who is, or suspected to be a fan of Jay Cutler or the Chicago Bears shale receive a 1000 lashings everyday until they die.
I am Your Lord. Bring me your finest Meats and Cheeses! As is my Birthright!
I hereby recognize The Allegany Annual Commune as a proper society and independent state. Poppa Bear- Enlightened despot, Andy- Sage
I hereby Raise Handsome the Beef, of the Wellington Beefs to Sir Handsome the Beef